38/39 Weeks

I'll be 39 weeks on Sunday so I'm still technically 38.5 weeks, but close enough, right?

My last day of work is tomorrow and that's a strange thing to think about. I started training my replacement this week and I'm sure I've forgotten a plethora of things, but she's a smart girl and I have no worries that she'll figure it out and do a great job. I've been at this company for nearly five years now and it will be weird not to come here every day anymore. The day I hand in my security badge will be a strange one to be sure.

I'm excited, though. I feel like the next step in my life (motherhood) is absolutely the right one for me to take. I know it's going to be a lot harder than I probably could realize right now, but I suspect it will also be a lot more rewarding. Or at least have a lot more rewarding moments amidst the dirty diapers, messes, and sleepless nights.

Honestly, the sleepless nights are what terrify me the most. I have always been a sleeper (I was sleeping through the night on my own at five weeks old) and sleep has always been super important to me and my sanity. I'm nervous to see what happens when I'm deprived it for weeks on end. I hear you adapt somehow, though. Thankfully.

My baby has dropped quite a bit, but I've carried high this entire pregnancy so I'm still able to walk almost normally. I have adopted the pregnancy waddle, though, to the delight of several of my coworkers.

In spite of carrying lower I have hardly dilated. At my last appointment my doctor told me I wasn't even dilated to a 1. So I'm pretty confident I'm delivering this baby after her due date. Thankfully this isn't a huge game-changer for me because I've felt she'd come late this entire pregnancy. My stubborn cervix has simply confirmed that suspicion.

I'm definitely slower than I used to be. It's a lot of work lugging 50 extra pounds around all the time.

Cameron and I moved (yay!) this last Friday which has been a blessing and a little bit stressful. It made Cameron's week this week that much more hectic because he wasn't able to get any homework done over the weekend and he had a concert last night on top of everything else. Our bedroom and bathroom are completely unpacked, and our kitchen is about 80% there. Our living room looks like someone decided to build a fort(ress) out of cardboard boxes. It's a mess and I scare Cameron every time I try to maneuver in there. Baby's room is hardly better. The crib and dresser are set up, but I've unintentionally booby-trapped the entire room with boxes and gifts and clothes that need to be put away. I'm planning to take care of that and the living room next week. Hopefully baby doesn't change her mind and decide to come early!

Baby loves music. Especially choral music when her dad is singing in the choir. She has good taste.

I'm excited to meet her. I think it will be a grand new adventure.

34 Weeks

*I feel like this pregnancy has flown by and I'm scratching my head wondering where the time has gone. I'm due in five and a half weeks and that countdown is both thrilling and a little scary. I'm feeling better than I have for the past seven months which is a pleasant surprise as everything I've read and basically every woman I've talked to has told me that the second semester is a dream come true and the third is miserable.

*I went to the dentist yesterday and was looking at my feet. . . I am happy to report that I still have ankles! I'm sure the swelling every woman complains about will set in in a few weeks or so, but I secretly wonder if my feet (which are abnormally wide as is) will stubbornly stay at their normal size. If they do you won't hear me complaining.

*As of this week I have gained a total of 45 pounds during the pregnancy. . . more than is "recommended" but I am my mother's daughter, and she never gained less than 40 pounds in all six of her pregnancies. I'm just hoping I get a chubby baby out of this.

*I have had heartburn like nobody's business which has been a pregnancy-specific condition that I'm not a huge fan of and am looking forward to leaving behind. I'm praying that the old wive's tale has truth to it and baby girl comes out with loads of hair. My doctor did tell me to go on Prilosec, though, and that is a wonderful thing. I almost hugged her when she told me that because it will be so nice not to have a flamethrower in my chest almost 24/7. Today was the first day I took it and I'm already feeling much better. Modern medicine is the greatest.

*Speaking of modern medicine, I am still taking diclegis to counteract morning sickness. I tried going off of it again a few weeks ago and was sick enough that I decided I don't even want to try going off again. I'm going to be taking those little pills until I deliver. And that's okay. It's safe for baby and keeps me sane and functional enough to go to work.

*Our little girl is funny. I am 90% sure that I have never felt her hiccup, but she looooves to stretch out in there. Whenever Cameron sings she starts to kick and move and it looks like my belly is doing the wave. She does the same things when she hears Beethoven on the radio. She'll move for other composers, too, but I've noticed it specifically with Beethoven. She has good taste. Something she has started doing recently is stretch out her leg (usually on my right side) and leave her foot there for a couple of minutes. Not moving, just sitting there with her leg outstretched. It makes both Cameron and me laugh. We're excited to meet her.

*Cameron landed a two-bedroom apartment for us and we get to move in on March 27th! I'm going to be nine months pregnant and moving, but we've been blessed with loads of family that lives minutes away, and I feel surprisingly calm about the whole thing. It feels right, timing and all. I've actually felt this entire pregnancy that I'll deliver late, and now I'm praying that that hunch is correct! I know it's not necessary, but I would like to have her nursery put together before she actually gets here, even though she won't really be using it for the first several months of her life.

*I am suddenly extremely interested in other women's birth stories. Like weirdly interested. In people I haven't even met. I want to know all of the details and how big their baby was and how long their labor was and what their fears were (and whether or not those fears were valid) and and and everything! I’m trying to tell myself that it’s not weird, it’s research, but that isn’t always the most convincing argument.

*I feel like my “cravings” have been nearly nonexistent. I just want the food I normally would want, with the exception of more fruit. I find myself going out of my way to eat lots of fruit. I have noticed food aversions, though. Like I don’t want to eat chocolate chip cookies (the very thought makes me feel a little nauseated) or French fries, and I hated chicken for several long months. But Brussel sprouts sound amazing all of the time. As do sweet potatoes, lentils, and oatmeal. I’ve eaten oatmeal with frozen berries for breakfast practically every morning since November/December and I’m not even remotely tired of it. But I’ve loved oatmeal my whole life so that’s not a huge surprise.

*Mostly I feel calm. I feel like things are falling into place exactly where they need to be, and that the timing—even though it isn’t what I had in mind—is completely perfect. I normally like to plan so I figured the inability to nest would drive me crazy, but I think it’s actually helped to calm anxiety. I’ve been limited in what I can do, so I’ve been limited in what there was to stress about. It’s been a blessing in disguise. We have had so many confirmations that this baby is supposed to come when she is, and I feel like those will continue to come. This is a huge, life-changing event, and I’m sure there will be days where I miss the “just us” time, but I also feel like being a mother will be my favorite thing in the world. Maybe not every minute of every day, but overall. I feel incredibly blessed.

Truly the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the music, the smells, sights, and sounds. I love spending time with family and eating delicious food. And I love how everyone becomes a better person during the season. There is something about celebrating the birth of our Savior that makes everyone a little more Christlike during the month of December.

People are focused outward more than they are the rest of the year, and everyone is happier because they're giving and looking to make another person happy. There's something magical about that.

I fell more in love with Cameron last Christmas than I had fallen for anyone before. Cameron knows how to Christmas. He still gets as excited as a child for the holiday, but it's because he can't wait for you to unwrap what he got for you. He can't wait to see how you respond to the thought and care he put into the gift. Last year he built be a bookshelf and gave me The Little Prince to put on it. When I went home that night I told my mom that if he asked me to marry him that day I would say yes in a heartbeat. I still said yes in a heartbeat a few months later.

This Christmas I've found myself falling even further in love with him. He has been so thoughtful and considerate (which I know isn't always easy to do with a pregnant woman), and he gets a sparkle in his eye every time he mentions the presents that are sitting under the tree, waiting to be unwrapped on Christmas morning. I know I'll continue to fall a little more in love with Cameron every day, but it's fun to see how that accelerates during December. Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year.

To My Baby

I am so excited to meet you. I cannot believe that I get to be your mother and I can't tell you how much I look forward to seeing all the amazing things you accomplish in your life. I find myself distracted a lot, always thinking about you. I wonder what you'll look like, if you'll have my nose or your dad's or a mix of the two. I wonder what your coloring will be, if my fair skin or your dad's olive will win out in the end. I wonder what your laugh will sound like, and what things will make you giggle. I wonder what will make you stare in wonder, and what will make you happy. I wonder who you will grow up to become. I wonder if I'll be able to help you there.

Often, I wonder if I'll be good enough or if I'm ready. Usually, those are days where I don't get enough sleep and the anxiety spikes. I find myself looking around our little one-bedroom apartment thinking that there's no way we'll have a two-bedroom and a place for your things by the time you get here. But honestly, that's not the most important thing. Things will work out more perfectly than I can plan them, even if I don't feel so at the time.

I can't wait to meet you, baby girl. Already I love you so much and I marvel at what you can do. Technically, you would be able to survive outside of me as of this week. I'd honestly prefer you come when you're scheduled, but it's comforting to know that you are grown and developed enough to make it out here in the world. It's amazing to me that I love you and want the best for you, and I haven't even met you face to face yet. If I love you this much already, I am excited to see how that love grows when you get here.

Love,
Mom

Announcements

We had our ultrasound on Monday afternoon. I was so nervous going in (nervous has been a relatively consistent feeling during this pregnancy) because I was terrified that they would find something wrong with our baby or that I would be disappointed in the gender or that my baby's heart had stopped (even though I had an appointment earlier that morning in which we heard the heartbeat loud and strong). However, everything seems to be good and looking good. I'm twenty weeks (I was 20 weeks and 1 day during the ultrasound), and our baby is measuring at 19 weeks and 6 days, so right on track. That was good to hear.

Also our baby is a girl! I am so thrilled. I'm a little worried that our tiny apartment will begin overflowing with polka dotted everything because, let's face it, polka dots are adorable and the baby won't be here for another five months! I'm so excited to see how Cameron is with our daughter. I just know he'll be the cutest and that she will be his princess.

I've had some heartburn, but nothing Tums haven't been able to soothe. They have been a lifesaver on more than one occasion, and I'm hoping that that truly is an indication of hair growth. But if our baby is bald then she will wear bows and still be adorable and lovable.

During the ultrasound we found out that my baby is head down (good news!) and facing my back (also good news, but also frustrating because we couldn't get her profile). We did get a sonogram of her feet, though, which look absolutely precious.

It was comforting to see that there really is a child growing inside of me. There is a reason for the sickness and the exhaustion that I've been dealing with. It's hard not to think that it's all in my head sometimes because it is so persistent. But totally worth it!

Also, my little brother is getting home from his mission TODAY! In four hours his flight will have landed and he'll be home. I haven't seen him (in person) for two years, so I'm thrilled that I'll finally get to talk to him again. I've been the worst at writing letters--I always am, with everyone--but I still miss him and look forward to having him home. Basically, between baby and brother, I've felt relatively useless today. My mind is elsewhere.

It's Been A While

Once upon a time, when I got married, I thought for certain that I would be a better blogger. But I still prefer my journal, apparently, and even with that I'm terribly inconsistent. I'm lucky if I write once a month. It's just so much easier to go to sleep at night. . . Anyways, I was wrong. And, knowing me, I will continue to think that I'll be a better blogger when such-and-such happens or when I get to such-and-such point in my life. I'm realizing that really that's not the way to accomplish anything. The best time to get things done is now when you're thinking about them (unless it's late and you have an enormous problem and you're sure that you won't be able to sleep until the problem is resolved and it just grows the later you stay up. . . I've learned that dinosaur problems have a tendency to shrink in your sleep).

But, exciting news:

A lot has happened in the past few months. I definitely didn't want my blog to read "I got married!" and have the next post be "We're going to be parents!" but that's what it is. And really that's okay because I did get pregnant pretty quickly and that has been a large reason for me not writing. Pregnancy fatigue is a real thing! And it's worse than regular fatigue because no matter how much sleep you get it's not enough. But you get a baby at the end which makes it worth it. I think.

Cameron and I are so thrilled at the prospect of starting our family. Come April 2nd we should be a family of three!!

I'm so grateful for the excitement people have had when we've told them. We did feel impressed to start our family immediately and I recognize that that's really fast for a lot of people, so I was worried that I would have to defend our choice, but people have been so happy for us. Which I love because, really, WE are so happy for us.

Pregnancy has been a fun adventure so far. I'm 18 weeks pregnant and have been dealing with morning sickness for about 12 weeks now. . . I'm ready for it to be gone and to start having the great second trimester I keep hearing about, but I'm also grateful for modern medicine. My doctor has put me on a medication for nausea that has been a serious life saver. It's the only thing that's enabled me to keep going to work.

I have had the craziest dreams. Some of which Cameron has been quick to point out sound like I was on drugs. But they certainly make for some laughs and good stories. And gratitude that life doesn't actually work the way it does in dreamland. Dreamland is a crazy land.

I'm pretty sure I've felt baby move (we don't find out the gender for another week and a half) and I'm excited for when I know for sure when I feel him/her.

I started wearing maternity clothes and let me tell you they are the comfiest things. I've always said maxi skirts are the sweatpants that are appropriate to wear to church and in public, but maternity clothing is even better. It's like the yoga pants of all clothing that you can wear outside and in public without anyone judging you. And I think having clothes that fit helps make me feel less fat and more pregnant (for the time being, anyway) which is great for moral.

Once Upon a Time. . .

Cameron asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and that's when our story began. I sort of dropped off the face of the earth because I was planning a wedding and finishing my last semester at BYU, but I think things have calmed down enough for me to actually write again. Perhaps. And perhaps I'll remain the worst blogger on the face of ever and this will be a one-post blog forevermore. I guess time will tell.

In the meantime, I might as well make this a semi-decent post. Married life. I'm hardly an expert because I've been married a grand total of ten days, but those ten days have been wonderful. There have been adjustments, certainly, but they haven't been as shocking (yet) as everyone has led me to believe. I'm sure those will come sooner rather than later, but for the moment being married feels like one forever-long sleepover with my best friend. It's sort of my favorite thing.

The hardest thing about being engaged was saying good-bye every night. So being able to say, "Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning!" is basically my favorite thing. I'm realizing that, though I claim to enjoy organizing, I get overwhelmed very quickly. But mostly just in our living room. It's cluttered right now with gifts that need homes, and there are a lot of things that need to happen before we put things away (one of the main things being opening up the boxes, haha).

I'm already realizing that I married one of the kindest and most generous men, and that is so comforting to me. Neither of us is perfect, and I know that our imperfections will become more apparent as time goes on, but we help each other out. It really is wonderful.